All I want for Christmas: (in my dreams)
Vintage Hermes Alligator handbag. Natural pearl and pink diamond ring, probably by Harry Winston. Racing green Mini with cream leather seats and cream shagpile carpet. Gold Mount Blanc fountain pen and bespoke monogrammed paper. Prada boots, and Uggs in every colour. A thatched cottage on a creek in Salcombe. A Hansel and Gretel chalet in Megeve. Keys to ‘Tat is Taste’, my very own antique/collectable boutique emulating Harry Enfield’s I SAW YOU COMING shop on the telly. A pug and an Irish Wolfhound called Terry and Darren, or Erminia and Iolanthe perhaps. Three weeks in Maui, surfing. Two tangerines and a net of chocolate coins.
What I will get for Christmas:
Bodyshop handcream (Flo), Dodgy German Chocolates (My dad), Random book from The Works (Charles), which puts quite a lot of pressure on Eli….
But it’s not the receiving, it’s the giving that is important. And with less than a week to go, I had better galvanise. Accelerate from 1st gear, and zoom into HOHOHO, not easy when I feel like OHOHOH. Haven’t thought about the F word yet (Festivities), distracted by the price of plaster board, shower wastes and the musings of Derrida and Lacan.
Make a list. Watch Nigella (without sighing and shaking my head), buy a tree, put on the old Elvis sings Christmas CD. Maybe that will conjure up the Christmas fairy dust I am so sadly lacking.
Someone else lacking fairy dust.
Let’s call her Sandra. She works for the husband of a friend of mine. It was their Christmas Party last night, and Sandra, usually a quiet, reserved typist – went for it.
She was so utterly wasted by the time the turkey arrived she was asked to leave the restaurant for being abusive to the staff. The husband of a friend of mine helped her outside where she was immediately sick all over his shoes. He then gallantly struggled to get her into his car to take her home.
En route she was sick again whilst wrestling for control of the steering wheel. Sandra’s night climaxed after she failed to gain control of the vehicle and bit the husband of my friend instead.
Sandra now faces disciplinary action. All I can say Sandra is he’s making a list, he’s checkin’ it twice
he’s gonna find out whose naughty or nice. Sandra may have blown her Hermes handbag this year….